Godzilla vs. The Incredible Hulk, Pt. 4: 'Zilla's Got the Clap (Sorry I Had To)

Hello friends and intrepid travelers of the Internet! This is a guest-blogger series that spends entirely too much time theorizing who'd win in a fight: Godzilla or The Incredible Hulk. Welcome to Part 4 of the epic battle as told by the one-and-only Graham Skipper. You can check out Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 right chyeah. As we last left our Big Green Friends, Hulk was learning that sonic waves have little to no effect on 300-foot-tall lizards. Bright blue fire death breath on the other hand...

Hulk looks on helplessly as Godzilla’s spines start to glow a vibrant blue, tracing energy up to his head, and then deep in the gullet of his mouth. A moment of deafening silence before Godzilla ROARS, unleashing terrible ATOMIC BREATH in the form of nuclear-hot blue fire that totally engulfs The Hulk.

The Hulk has only felt something this hot - and painful - once before: that time he fell into the sun. He does his best to run away, something Hulk does not do lightly, and can feel his thick green skin melting off his body, almost down to his skeleton, as he stumbles into the nearby river and around a corner to hide behind a building.

He looks at his skin - he is decimated, almost destroyed. He needs time to heal if he stands a chance at winning this war. Hulk uses what strength he has left to dig underground into the Tokyo subway, holing up in a maintenance tunnel as his body rebuilds itself.

While Hulk heals, a familiar voice pops into his head: THE PROFESSOR, Hulk’s super-smart alter-ego.

Professor: Hulk, listen to me.

Hulk: Shut up, smart Hulk. Hulk healing.

Professor: Think about the Atomic Breath. What did it feel like?

Hulk: Atomic Breath hurt! What you think it feel like? (Man, Smart Hulk stupid.)

Professor: No...what else did it feel like? Something...familiar?

Hulk thinks back and realizes that yes, the Atomic Breath did feel familiar...just like a nuclear bomb! And what can Hulk do? ABSORB RADIATION. If the lizard is powered by radiation, then if Hulk absorbs radiation, it will make Hulk stronger and lizard weaker...

Hulk: Hulk gets it! Thanks Smart Hulk!

Professor: No problem. Go get him, brother.

Hulk looks down at his body...he’s healed up! Or mostly healed, anyway. Enough to go finish this!

Hulk jumps up and through the surface of the street, which is now mostly quiet. Where did Godzilla go?

Godzilla is now in Shibuya, stomping out the once-busy lights, bars, and nightclubs with furious glee. He thinks he has melted the puny green bug into oblivion, and so fails to notice Hulk bounding from building to building, approaching quickly from behind.

Hulk slams into Godzilla’s neck, holding on as he punches into the green hide, ABSORBING NUCLEAR RADIATION WITH EVERY STRIKE.

Godzilla howls and tries to shake off the bug, but feels weaker and weaker as the assault continues. Meanwhile the punches get stronger and stronger as Hulk grows in size and strength, absorbing the radiation and thus making him more and more powerful.

Soon Godzilla stumbles under the combined power of the assault and his weakening state. Hulk joyously pummels the lizard into the ground, and Godzilla is incapable of fighting  back. Hulk, meanwhile, has grown in size to well over 15 feet tall! Hulk roars - not unlike the lizard he’s smashing - and then PICKS UP GODZILLA!

His strength is enormous, and as a finishing move, he HURLS GODZILLA over a hundred miles to the south! Surely this’ll finish him!

But unfortunately Hulk has chosen the wrong direction in which to throw Godzilla. Because he’s hurled directly into the Hamaoka Nuclear Power Plant...the closest nuclear power plant to Tokyo.

Godzilla slams like a meteor into the power plant, and deep into the ground, where the uranium now no longer sits in its cooling bath. Like Superman soaking up the sun, Godzilla roars back to life as the radiation replenishes his power!

He stands and looks back towards Tokyo, where Hulk is still huge from soaking up all of Godzilla’s energy. After a moment of the two staring each other down like samurai, they start to run towards one another for a final showdown.

They meet midway, at Mt. Fuji, and trade punches - both are now equally matched, and equally furious. Hulk smashes Godzilla in the nose, Godzilla grabs Hulk and squeezes hard, but Hulk is able to breathe in and expand his chest so much that Godzilla loses his grip! Hulk falls to the ground and grabs a chunk of rock straight out of the mountainside and hurls it into Godzilla’s head! The lizard stumbles briefly before using his tail to swipe Hulk down the side of Mt. Fuji!

Hulk recovers quickly and sprints up the side of the mountain, tackling Godzilla up to the peak! There, above the clouds, they continue to duke it out ferociously, until Hulk’s Godzilla-absorbed power begins to wane. His body - as powerful as it is - just can’t take this kind of beating for too long. It starts to shrink, and weaken, as the power leeched from Big Green begins to dissipate.

Godzilla, however, is still a 300 foot tall primordial lizard, and still at full power is now able to grab Hulk and repeatedly smash him into the top of the volcano.The pummeling continues as Hulk shrinks in size and power, and he begins to lose consciousness. The mountainside spins and soon begins to darken, as Godzilla’s foot blots out the sun once again and starts to descend on the helpless Hulk.

Now there is no weak concrete or subterranean foundation to absorb the weight...just  Hulk and impenetrable ancient rock. Hulk is done for.

OR IS HE?!?!?!?!?




BRBRCK is a rapper and producer (and blogger, obviously) based in Brooklyn, NY. Check out his musical stylings here.